It's not all about me.

I'm sitting here thinking about my breakup. How my life needs to change before entering (or, hopefully, re-entering) a relationship. How things were in the wrong. How much I miss him. There are good thoughts, do not get me wrong. Good will come out of this. But that good does not always have to do with me. Maybe now I can be there for a friend, who may very well have it much worse than I do.

I know how it feels when you do something stupid. I know that gut-wrenching feeling of regret. I also know that feeling of thinking you have someone that is perfect, that you never want to lose. And then that little feeling of hope that you are left with when they are gone; that little feeling of hope that someday you will be able to run into their arms once more and love them all over again.

The toughest feeling for me right now is trusting that God will work things out. I want to trust that He will provide the perfect person, and that He will provide the perfect person before I grow up too much. As much as I like cats, I have to be honest with myself. I do not want to be the crazy cat lady. I want someone to spend all that time with (with or without cats- maybe a dog would do since the one I want to be with is allergic to cats). :)

Oh, ye of little faith, this one's for you.

How do you trust what you cannot see? How do you give up things you never want to lose? There's no halfway. There's no sort of giving up your idols. And there's no easy, painless way to do it.

I'm going forward; I'm climbing up the hill. I'm reading my Bible and praying and trying to keep my focus on God. But I still feel like I'm falling backwards, like I'm rolling down the hill.

I feel like I'm in a dark room. I'm going towards the light. I can't tell how far away from it I am. There are objects all over the floor. I'm tripping and I'm bleeding and I want to go back to where things were decent. I felt everything was okay. I could talk to my love and he made me feel so happy and at peace.

I gave all that up to pursue God. I had to give it all the way up, but it's so hard. I want to run back to my love.

I will continue to fight blindly.

^"1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." -Hebrews 12:1-3

I must keep fighting.