Oh, ye of little faith, this one's for you.

How do you trust what you cannot see? How do you give up things you never want to lose? There's no halfway. There's no sort of giving up your idols. And there's no easy, painless way to do it.

I'm going forward; I'm climbing up the hill. I'm reading my Bible and praying and trying to keep my focus on God. But I still feel like I'm falling backwards, like I'm rolling down the hill.

I feel like I'm in a dark room. I'm going towards the light. I can't tell how far away from it I am. There are objects all over the floor. I'm tripping and I'm bleeding and I want to go back to where things were decent. I felt everything was okay. I could talk to my love and he made me feel so happy and at peace.

I gave all that up to pursue God. I had to give it all the way up, but it's so hard. I want to run back to my love.

I will continue to fight blindly.

^"1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." -Hebrews 12:1-3

I must keep fighting.

“Sarah know I love you.”

Those are the words he said to me.

I sat in disbelief,

Ready to fall on my knees.

That’s what I wanted to ask

When and if I say a prayer:
Dear Lord, If I could keep him?

Prove to me You’re there.

I know I’m not always humble.

I know I don’t unconditionally serve.

There are things that I should do.

There are practices I should observe.

I know that idols are a sin.

I know You will curse them in Your pain.

God please say that he isn’t one.
God please say this isn’t vain.

What I want to know tonight

Is that he is a gift from You.

I want to know that we are blessed-

He and I, us two.

"Neon Tiger"- The Killers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWH5hpP4i8Y

What do you think it means?

In the summer it was too hot. In the winter it was too cold. In the fall the wind blew too much. In the spring, there were flowers everywhere. But worst of all, she could not understand the neon tiger.

Nobody reads this. I don't know why I bother. Perhaps my perturbed mind will find peace tomorrow.

Alone at last

I feel so empty. There is nothing surrounding me and nothing inside of me. No organs or bones. No nature or beings. Nothing is clear. It is all inadequate.

I feel a choice before me. The middle ground has run its course.

Poem: No name and no face

No name and no face,

A story was it.

It wasn’t my place,

But your story just hit

Something in my heart

That made me want to cry

I wanted to be there for a stranger

With beautiful eyes.

Two broken hearts

With few words between us,

Somehow I felt

It wasn’t the end.

What can I say?

Facebook friends are easy to come by.

But messages in my inbox

Usually catch my eye.

A casual greeting

Made me nearly jump for joy.

I wanted to dance and sing

Over this new, strange boy.

I could never figure

If you were flirting or not.

You had peaked my interest,

And were obviously hot.

I tried so hard

To stay focused on my life.

But your messages kept coming,

And out came the knife

That I felt in my hear t

From previous hurt.

So along came the fairy tale,

But could it actually work?

At first I held on

To logic and reason.

My head told me, “no!

It’s not the right season.

Keep your heart to yourself,

He’s nothing but trouble.

You’ve done this before.

Your pain will just double.”

You were at arm’s length.

I thought you should just go.

I tried to just forget,

But my heart said, “no!”

Before I knew it,

You were winning the game.

You had me going crazy.

I would never be the same.

I wanted to run away with you.

…Who does that? For real?

But thank goodness, I stopped me.

I couldn’t miss a meal.

It was a fantasy that I wanted

Like never before.

You made me realize:

In my life, there’s something more.

I always think that my way

Is the best that there could be.

I often forget that God

Has a better plan for me.

So for the first time

That I can ever recall,

I stopped trying to micromanage,

And let go of it all.

There’s things I can’t control.

That’s the way that life is.

Where this goes, no one knows.

That’s the way that life is.

Undesirable Retrospection

This was written for a school assignment. The first sentence is a quote from Edgar Allen Poe.

"During the whole of a dull, dark, and soundless day in the autumn of the year, when the clouds hung oppressively low in the heavens," there sat a man. His face was scruffy; there were dark circles under his eyes. The teeth remaining in his mouth were brown and tasted like tobacco. He sat at the top of a building in downtown Huntsville with his legs dangling carelessly above a fatal drop.

Fifteen years before the present day came to his mind, one moment in particular. He had sat there, lighter in hand, watching the flame in its mystifying beauty. He saw no such beauty; dark thoughts surrounded him. Satan himself was in the room. The boy's toddler sister sat on the floor playing with blocks, remaining in a sphere of young innocence. He could no longer maintain in this innocence because it leaves those who reach a level of maturity at which they understand their actions and the motives behind them. He sat there, flicking at the lighter, then glancing at the tot. Sizzling hair would make quite a show. This enjoyment, this wondrous thought, consumes only him who has been consumed by the darkest evil. He flicked the lighter closer and closer to his sister when a small understanding of fear entered her young eyes. He did not cease his approach.

The man's thoughts stopped here. He could live with the memory no longer. A long drop to a sudden stop was destined to be his fate.

By means which only God HImself understands, a girl thought at the exact same moment the same memory the man recalled. These two beings, having not communicated with the other since a time neither of them could remember, thought of this one particular moment in their past. She trembled in horror.

The blocks were forgettable and all but the layout between her and her eldest brother had been dismissed from memory. A small flame mesmerized her thoughts in their entirety. He beloved brother moved the flame closer, so she could see it better. She giggled, maintaining the bubbly innocence of her childhood. One glance followed. This glance into her brother's eyes burned her thoughts and was forever engraved in her memory. His eyes were not his own. There was an evil within them that she had never known before that moment. In that instance, in a single glance, her innocence was eternally ruined.

With every ounce of will power she had, she attempted to shake the memory. It was no use; that moment would haunt her until the day she died. The girl sheepishly looked in the mirror. She sat in a chair by her vanity looking into the eyes of the strongest, weakest girl she had ever known.

Her life, she felt, was not worth living. Smarts were hers for the taking, yet she did not think it possible. Beauty was possessed by many, but she was not one that multitude. She knew somewhere in the depths of her mind that these statements were indeed false, but a part of her could not accept that.

There is a point one reaches when despair, insecurity, and loneliness intersect. This point is reached all too often. There is no one watching the deeds so sadly done. There is no one to halt that slope leading to the ultimate death of one's soul. Nothing mattered to her; she had nowhere to turn.

The scissors were not sanitary, but that made no difference. She opened them wide and hacked away at her pale white forearm. For what purpose did this action serve? None that she could think of. Her long brown hair fell in her face as she hopelessly sobbed. She set the bloodied scissors down and wiped them off.

She did not hate her brother. It was possible that she hated herself, but that was a temporarily unimportant thought. Just as if someone had punched her in the stomach, the truth hit her hard. She loved her brother.

He would always be in her heart. She determined her life would be miserable if she harbored anything but love. She was not the only one who needed love. Her brother felt the need for love more than any being ever existing. She knew not the remorse he felt. His pain became his life which he had single-handedly ruined. Anyone who had ever felt the slightest sense of love towards him now cringed at his name.

The girl would loath her brother no more. She wiped the few stray tears left in her eyes away. Contacting him would be her first action. She would meet with him at a place between their two locations. Then she would look for him, and perhaps run into his arms. He would hold her in his solid, steadfast arms. Her eyes would water, and she would look up to meet his crystal blue eyes. A single tear would fall down her cheek and he would wipe it away. Neither of them would cry forever more. Lastly, and most important, she would tell him she loved him. There is a place in one's heart that every person with a sibling has; it holds a happiness like no other. She and her brother would be the most joyous creatures on earth.

The girl reluctantly ended this thought. Running to the phone, she realized she had no words. It did not matter. She loved her brother, and he needed to know.

The man looked towards the ground as he remained seated on the edge of the building top. His thoughts had no alternated from his young sister. The darkness that had taken over him so long ago was a mystery to him. WHat he felt fro his sister was love. He knew she must detest him. Fear would consume her at the thought of him. The only way she could live in peace was if they remained entirely in separate worlds. It was his fault, so he must fix it.

She called him, and his phone, sitting in his pocket, rang loudly. The ring echoed amid the buildings of downtown. He had no time to hear it. His body hit the ground and rested in a way which no one wishes to describe.

The call went to voicemail. In this message, she poured her heart out, releasing her feelings toward her brother. The things she said, she felt, could not remain unsaid for any longer. She summed up her thoughts and hung up the phone. A feeling of relief and satisfaction filled her soul.